Portland: a rollercoaster

I am currently at a campground in the Capitol Forest twenty minutes south of Olympia, WA. Before coming here, we stayed at a Motel 6 for three nights in southwest Portland. The main reason for staying in a motel was to get chores done that would have otherwise been hard to do from the van like having the tires checked, picking up packages, charging our battery. Also, I have been struggling... with Patrick's back pain and all the rain- I just needed a break for a minute.

As with most big cities, Portland was loud and crowded... very different from the campgrounds we have been staying at for the last few months. And while some things about the hotel were a nice change of pace (hot water, unlimited power, internet), other things were especially hard on me (the constant noise, being indoors all the time, artificial lighting). I didn't sleep well and we were so busy the whole three days, constantly running around to try and fit too many things into too few hours. By the day we were all loaded up to drive to Washington, I was completely exhausted.

We had some errands to run around Portland before making the two hour drive north. I had been to Portland once before this trip, back in 2016 and just for one night, so driving around the city- it all felt new to me. One thing that really stood out to me was that I really felt at home with the people I saw in Portland. Which was nice. I usually stand out wherever I go and it gets exhausting to contantly be the odd one out, but I didn't feel that way in Portland. Another thing that stood out was the wealth disparity around the city. Where Portland seems like a city with a lot of money, especially in the downtown area, once we drove to the east side of the city there were dozens of tent villages scattered along the streets and highways.

And it really hit me hard. I think because I am terrified of my own precarious position in life these days, which is a new feeling for me having grown up "middle class". But now I live on a weird edge between "#vanlife" and houselessness and being in Portland, seeing the wealth disparity, feeling our lack of financial resources and feeling how close we are to falling even further out of comfort scares me. I know I have a lot of privilege. Being white, being traditionally educated, having family who has money. AND I am scared. Scared of the house of cards that is my life in poverty. A life that can be blown to pieces with one strong gust of wind. One unexpected bill.

So I cried, sobbed actually, while sitting in traffic on the way out of Portland. I have been so broke for so long and I am tired of always having to keep moving quickly through life no matter my mental health to try and keep money in the bank.

Today my mom and younger sister are throwing my older sister a baby shower back in my hometown back in California. My sister is due to give birth in December. I am so happy for her that she has the life she had always wanted. And also, watching my family celebrate her for accomplishing yet another milestone on the capitalist escalator really adds to my feelings of separation from my family as I fight a mental health war that is based in capitalism's attempt to monetize my existence for its own benefit. Yeah, so there's that too. What a weird fucking life.