A bad day

Content Warning: anxiety, suicidal thoughts

I have been super anxious for a few days now. It started two days ago when Patrick and I got in a big fight and since then I haven't been able to calm down. My heart races, I experience shortness of breathe, my head is so foggy I can't think straight. I get so irritable... and I start to feel bad about myself for being so irritable. It all compounds on itself.

When I woke up this morning I was feeling a bit better. I don't really know why, maybe the reality of my life hadn't really set in yet. Then at about 10:30am as I was starting to set up my things for stretching (my back has been killing me lately), someone pulls up next to us in an RV. Then, once they got all set up at a neighboring campsite which shares a parking area to us, they pulled out a gas powered generator and started it up. Gas generators are LOUD and it immediately put me on edge. After about an hour my anxiety was back up through the roof. It is hard for me to think, hard to speak, hard to do anything with my hands, like my brain stops communicating all together and I lose basic motor function.

So I fumbled through my morning chores, making sure we had drinking water and the bed was made for Bodhi, our pup, and I picked up my (17-pound) camp chair and folding table and walked down the path behind our campsite until the sound of the ocean started to drown out the sound of the generator. And here I have sat for the last four hours, the generator is still going, my heart is still racing, but at least it is not as all consuming as it is when I am sitting right next to it, the motor being the only sound I can hear, gasoline being the only scent I can smell.

The worst part of my anxiety being this intense is that it triggers my suicidal brain. As if being anxious wasn't bad enough, my anxiety has the ability to flip the switch in my brain that makes the main thoughts in my brain become creative ways to die by suicide with the message- would death really be that bad? And the answer is I don't really think so. At least compared to this life when anyone can steal someone else's peace whenever they feel like it. I don't think death would be so bad and I just want the pain to stop.

I need to go cook dinner soon. Patrick hurt his back and hasn't really been able to walk so if I want to eat I still have to cook. Oh, and we are still supposed to sell our bodies and minds to capitalism so we have resources to survive when Patrick can't walk and my brain is on fire. Yeah, that sounds like a really great fucking plan. Thanks universe for looking out for my well being.