Broken down in Bend.

Three days ago, as we were leaving a campground north of Bend, OR on our way to south, our van Olaf started having trouble accelerating. It felt like our 21-year-old converted campervan would rev his engine when we got to 15mph but could not go any faster. He wasn't shifting into second gear. Which is a transmission issue and anyone who knows the basics about cars knows that is bad news.

We were able to make it the 40 minutes to Bend where we started calling around to mechanic shops to see if anyone could see us that day or the next. We must have called 15 different mechanic shops, each one saying they were booked out two weeks, some three weeks. Finally, someone said they could see us in a week and we jumped on it. By this point, I was so stressed out and overwhelmed I could barely think straight so we headed to the local Motel 6 to get a room.

Two days later we were still at the motel waiting for our appointment when Patrick's phone rang. It was the mechanic shop saying that they had a cancellation and could see us in an hour. We rushed to take down our back luggage rack and get everything out of the van that we needed for living in the motel. We were able to get Olaf to the mechanic just in time. Then all we could do was wait. A part of me was still hoping that the problem was something related to the transmission that was an easy fix, where we could be back on the road in a few days for under $500. Wishful thinking.

That evening the mechanic called with their diagnosis of Olaf. A transmission rebuild. Fuck. 2-3 weeks. Fuck. $5,000. FUCK.

I haven't talked about money a lot on this blog yet but we are struggling. To buy food. To buy gas. To meet our basic needs. Capitalism has chewed us up and spit us out. We have no savings, no jobs, just a few hundred bucks to help us get through the month. So $5,000 in car repairs for which that car is our housing and transportation to warmer weather and holds all of our stuff, it's hard. I am terrified. All of our security is in our van. Not having a van would mean houselessness and that terrifies me.

I always knew that needing a new transmission was a possibility for our old van. I guess I never thought the universe could be so cruel as to make us need a new transmission when we have no money, are in a cold climate, have no one we could stay with, and have no way to make the money. But I was wrong. The universe can absolutely be that cruel when it fucking wants to.

I just keep getting dealt bad hands and having shitty luck. Optimistic people would say that eventually luck will come back around, but my life is too dark to be optimistic anymore.