I have been fighting a war.
Content warning: suicidal thoughts
I have been fighting a war. And losing.
Everyday is a mental health battle that I can't get a break from. I wasn't always like this. Two years ago I wouldn't have even said I have anxiety or depression. Maybe I just couldn't see it. But it is a part of my family. My sisters, my dad all have their own versions.
The prevalence of suicidal thoughts makes me feel like I am losing the battles. I can't see an end, a solution. I feel like I have no way out of the pain.
Things have gotten a little better the last few days. For the first time in a couple months, I have been feeling joy. Looking forward to things. Laughing. I lost the constant feeling of dread. I think about suicide less.
Sunset at Skull Hollow Campground just north of Bend, OR
I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, some punishment to come for feeling joy. For the joy to be ripped from my weak grip, just as fast as it came.
But here I am. Trying to make the most of joy while it is here.
We are in Bend, OR. At a campground that feels safe. With a friendly camp host. With not too many people. A feeling of safety is something that I so needed after my last camping experience went terribly wrong.
But the biggest difference in my mental health has come from the change in climate. Before coming to Bend, we were in Olympia, WA where the weather is very wet and dark and cold. Here it is still cold, but the air is so much drier, which has taken a huge burden from my shoulders. Things dry out, the windows inside our van don't condense as much water. It seems so simple but I think I just didn't realize how much the dampness of everything in Olympia was affecting me.
Something I didn't even realize that I so badly needed is sunlight. Oh my goodness. Every damn time the sun comes out I feel so free, so happy. The world feels full of possibilities. I have never experienced this before, getting so much happiness from something so simple as sunlight. I think coming from the desert where I lived for over 3 years, sunlight was never in short supply. But now it means everything to me, to my mental health. I feel more like myself than I have in months.
Now, we can't stay in Bend for long. It is very cold at night and I assume snow is coming soon. We are going to make the trip to the desert of Arizona soon. It was a hard decision to make because we worked so hard to make it up to Olympia, WA. But the cold and wet have really taken their toll on my mental health and coming to Bend, getting some relief, has me excited to see what a winter full of sunshine in the desert will be like.