I am afraid to be honest.
I have been scared to share my blog for so long. I am mostly afraid to share it with people who know me in real life. I think that is because the people who know me in real life don't usually know my full story. They know pieces of a story, usually not the most painful parts. It is easier for me to write about the painful parts than it is to talk about them.
I want people in my life to know me, to know the truth about who I am. But here's the thing, I don't want to be treated differently. Sharing about my suicidal thoughts is the hardest part. It is something that I wish more people talked about, that is why I share it. But I have been really selective about who I talk about it with in my personal life (as in, only two people know) because people who don't have experience with suicide tend to panic. And that always makes it worse.
I know my life is dark and full of pain, especially in the last year. It hasn't ever been this painful before and it all started exactly a year ago, the week before Thanksgiving. But that doesn't mean that my life won't have a happy ending. Or maybe just a neutral one, let's go for that.
I fear if people knew the truth about my life and experiences that they would say it is too much or try and change me. And honestly, that has been my experience with people in my life so far, aside from Patrick. I have been writing it down just so I don't have to carry it all around. But now I just wonder if it is too personal to share online. I guess I just thought that if anything could come out of all this pain it might be that other people would feel less alone. But now that I am actually sharing it, I have all these thoughts swirling around in my brain that my story is too much for people and no one will get anything out of it other than being sad.
I know logically that when I have read other people's personal blogs it has made me feel less alone. I hope that is true here, for people reading this.
I am not sure how writing a super vulnerable blog post about how vulnerable I am feeling is going to help me, but here it is.
Let's be friends! Has there ever been a time where you read someone's writing or heard someone's story and it made you feel less alone? Do you like to share personal things about yourself online (i.e. social media) or do you prefer to connect with your community in person?
This is a community supported blog. If you enjoy reading my story and are able, consider donating below. We are going through a rough phase in our lives and could really use the help.