My old friend depression
Cw: suicide, mental health
My mental health is bad again.
We moved down to the California desert from Mammoth and started applying to jobs in the Palm Springs area.
And no one returned our emails or called us when we dropped off resumes in person. It has been so difficult and triggering.
Earlier this year, we spent six months applying to jobs only to hear nothing back.
I just feel like I can't go through that again- it was too hard.
I didn't realize how much better my mental health had become until I started struggling again. And then I realized that the last few months when we were living in Mammoth I had actually felt some relief from the weight of my struggle with my mental health.
My suicide brain took a vacation and I hadn't even noticed because I was so busy moving on with my life. I only realized how much of a relief I had felt when my depression came back and hit me like a ton of bricks.
My old friends, depression and suicide brain. They never really left. And they knew exactly where to find me when the time was right.
I just couldn't imagine living through the same pain I felt earlier this year. The hopelessness of having no money and no job. The frustration of being ignored by person after person. Reaching out to potential employers only to hear nothing back. Wracking my brain trying to figure out what they want from me. When will I ever be good enough for these systems?
I won't. That much has been made very clear.
My partner, Patrick, got a call yesterday from a coffee shop with an offer to be a barista for them. Hopefully this will be the start of things turning around for us.
Let's be friends! Does your mental health ebb and flow? What triggers good or bad mental health for you?
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