When I misgender myself
Content warning: trans misgendering, coming out, unsupportive family
It has been a year since I realized I am non-binary and I still misgender myself. Sometimes I use the wrong pronouns (she/ her) when referring to myself, sometimes I say things like "I am not the girl for the job". I always feel so embarrassed when that happens. And then I start to question myself. Am I actually trans if I am misgendering myself?
I know logically that it takes time to unlearn a lifetime of gendering but it makes me feel like an imposter. I was writing in my last post about how I am not a "city person" and I kept wanting to write "city girl" instead. But I cringe at the word girl being used to reference me.
I still haven't "come out" to my family. I obviously have written about it here and put it in my bios but that feels more accessible than trying to explain what non-binary is to my family. I am so tired of explaining myself to them. I feel like they don't deserve my energy in "coming out" because I don't think they truly want to understand something that would mean everything they believe is a lie. At least, this has been my experience with them thus far.
I feel like I am a fraud because I still misgender myself. What if I misgender myself in front of my family? Can you imagine trying to explain that to them? That is a level of nuance I don't think they can understand. So I don't tell them. I avoid referring to myself at all when I talk to them. Patrick, my partner, doesn't use any pronouns for me when we are all together. I feel like I can’t be my full self around my family and I feel the distance that creates.
But there is distance from so many different things that have happened over so many years that they still don't understand or care about. So I start to wonder if the relationships are worth saving. I know my family wants to keep a relationship with me (at least my parents do), but they are asking me to do all of the work of explaining myself. They don't try and grow on their own. I have become the weird family member, always on the outskirts, fighting these wars with my family that they have no interest in being a part of. And I start to learn to keep quiet. And I suffer in silence.
I am so angry. Some days I feel like I keep trying to have a relationship for them, because I know how much me walking away would hurt them. But I am hurting now. I don't want to be alone in this fucked up world. But if they can't see the ways in which they are making the world fucked up, then what is the point. I will always just be the misunderstood, the weird one. I want more for my life. I want connection.
Let’s be friends! Have you ever had to share something hard with your family (i.e. “coming out” or losing a job or something else)? How did it go for you?