My disordered eating habits caught up with me again
CW: disordered eating, weight loss
I have never really sat down to talk about this thoroughly.
After growing up as a fat kid, I developed an eating disorder in high school, specifically an obsession with eating "healthy". This eating disorder, which is called orthorexia, caused me to lose a decent amount of weight over a few years while I was in high school. I eventually stopped losing weight but continued my disordered eating habits into college in an effort to maintain my now lower weight.
I dedicated my entire college career to my eating disorder. I studied and ultimately got a degree in "nutritional science" with the hope that I would finally figure out the perfect diet that would keep me from ever getting fat again.
I didn't get help until my last year of college when I went to a lecture on eating disorders and had an "oh shit" moment.
My eating disorder was mostly fueled by the adults I had in my life growing up who blamed me personally for my fat body, the loudest voice being my mom.
I spent years trying to explain to her how her constant judgement of my body affected me. Eventually, she finally started to take responsibility for her the way she treated me and my body as a kid. When I saw her start actively seeking out information that would help her learn and grow out of her harmful beliefs, it was a lot easier for me to forgive her. I could see how scared she was when she had a fat kid and everyone in her life was telling her she had to do something to make me less fat.
I have been in recovery from my eating disorder for seven years, but last week my mom came to visit me and I was suddenly throw back into its tight grip.
She flew out to Palm Springs (where I am currently staying) and we got a hotel together, just the two of us for a few days. This meant for a few days we were eating every meal together.
The first day she was here was intense with a lot of activity and by the end of the day my body was telling me it needed more food NOW.
But it was just me and her so I nonchalantly asked her what she wanted to eat for dinner, a subtle hit at my intense inner cravings. She said she wasn't hungry... that she would just be fine with crackers and cheese or something else light.
We sat quietly for a few minutes while I tried to process what I was feeling. Eventually, I gained the courage to tell her directly that I absolutely needed to eat something for dinner and we made plans to go out in a few hours. I was proud of myself for speaking up and saying what my body needed... a huge win for me.
After those few hours had passed and my hunger had grown, we went to a chinese restaurant close by and brought a few shared dishes back to the hotel room. My mom decided she still wasn't hungry and only ate a few bites.
In an instant, I started questioning everything I had been working to heal over the last seven years in recovery from my eating disorder. Maybe I eat too much. Maybe that is why I am so fat. Maybe I should change my diet- eat less- starting right now with this dinner with my mom.
So I did. I ate just a little more than my mom had eaten and stopped- still hungry- questioning myself and everything I had been working so hard to unlearn.
Maybe I had things wrong this whole time. Maybe my fatness was just a result of my inability to control myself around food.
Later that night, after my mom went to bed, I was still hungry. I needed to quiet this pain in stomach. As quietly as I could, I dug through my luggage to find an old snack bar and some random emergency almonds. I tiptoed as softly as possible into other room to sneak my foraged food so she wouldn't know how hungry I actually was.
I felt so small, so insecure sitting there trying not to chew too loudly or else she would know. So quickly, I was transported back to my high school self when I used to sneak food in my backpack into my room to eat when no one else was around.
When I had finally eaten enough to make my tum stopping hurting, I went back into the hotel room and fell asleep.
The next morning I woke up feeling like shit about myself and knew something had to change. I finally worked up the courage to talk with her and she was able to listen to me. After we talked, we ordered a big breakfast and ate separately so I could make sure to get enough food without fear of judgement.
The rest of the trip I was better able to vocalize when I needed more food and when I needed to eat alone to make sure I was getting enough food.
For the next few days I was pretty down on myself about the whole experience. I mean, it has been SEVEN YEARS since I first realized I had an eating disorder. After seven years, I should be able to vocalize my needs around food, right?
I still have a lot of work to do around eating in front of my family, especially my mom.
I learned something new about myself. After seven years, I still have the ability to starve my body and need to be careful. But also, I have come so far in my ability to recognize disordered behaviors and advocate for what I need, even if it takes me a minute to build up the courage. And that is something I can be fucking proud of.
Let's be friends! Do you ever find it hard to eat in front of people? How do you navigate eating in public when we live in a society that carries so much shame around food?
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