On being too soft for this world
Fall colors are in full swing here in the Eastern Sierras. It feels so magical.
I have never lived anywhere that has this level of vibrancy and intensity. It is so joyful for me.
Recently, I have been hiking a lot to try and soak up as much of the scenery as possible before it is gone and winter sets in.
I often take my newer I-type Polaroid camera on hikes because it is easier to use and has a self timer so I can take photos of myself out in nature. But today I decided to take along my vintage SX-70 Polaroid camera.
The SX-70 camera is harder to learn how to use, but I can take up close photos and get some fun effects with blurred backgrounds that I can't get on the newer I-type Polaroid camera.
The photos are more artistic which can be really fun and really frustrating. I have recently been trying to let go of my need to be perfect and just take photos, no matter how out of focus or washed out they turn out in the end.
When I was hiking today, I decided to bring my SX-70 camera and just use a whole pack of film to practice and get more comfortable using the camera. I told myself that it doesn't matter how the photos come out, it’s just for fun.
Somewhere along my hike, I was trying to take a photo of some yellow aspen trees and a man approached me wanting to tell me about his Polaroid camera from the 70s.
The SX-70 is a camera that is nostalgic for a lot of people, especially older people. People often stop me on the trail to tell me about their memories with their Polaroid cameras. As an introvert, I hate it. But as a vintage Polaroid enthusiast, I love it.
We chatted for a minute about vintage Polaroid cameras and I offered to show him some of the photos I had taken on my hike.
Now I am usually super introverted, but I was proud of what I had created and was excited to share it. Also, I had seen him playing a fucking flute on the trail earlier so I thought he was chill.
I was feeling a little self-conscious about sharing my art with a stranger so as I handed the photos to him I said, "I am still a beginner so some of them are a little blurry."
He only had the photos in his hand for max 10 seconds before he said, "Wow, you really need to work on your focusing." He didn't laugh or smile, showed no signs of joking around. He was serious. He was criticizing my photos.
I was crushed. My heart started beating faster.
He tried to give me advice about how to do better and told me that my camera was made for portrait photography, not landscape photography, which was how I was using it.
He obviously had something to prove. It felt like he was trying to show that he knew more about this camera and how to use it than I did.
The truth is I was actually proud of my photos. Sure, they weren't perfect, but they captured my experience of existing in nature on that day. They were interesting to look at and, to me, they were art.
I had worked so hard to not be critical of what I created, just to have my self image crushed by one grumpy man with a chip on his shoulder.
I spent the rest of my hike with my head hung a little lower. I wish I could say that I rallied and didn't let this one person get to me, but that just wasn't the case.
I am too soft for this world. I don’t want to change, but I know it causes me pain. This world is designed so only the most thick skinned, abrasive people can survive.
And I hate people. Especially cis men who think they are better than anyone else, when that couldn't be further from the fucking truth.
All the photos in this blog are the photos I shared with this man on the trail :)
Let's be friends! How do you deal with an overly critical world? Do chose to share things you create with the world or do you prefer to keep them safe, just for you?
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